this past week i lost my grandma. i sit here, still with a heavy heart, trying to process it. imagining what it’s going to be like on my next trip there.

it always amazed me how every time i was there, all it took was one look at me and she knew what i was thinking. she would ask me why i was sad, tell me to stop missing my boyfriend. and then later take it back saying, nevermind he isn’t your boyfriend.. he’s someone you really care about. i would look back at her and smile and shake my head. what was never said was how much i love it there. i love her backyard. i love her house. i love the simplicity. i love how calm and serene everything is. i loved the feeling of being where my dad spent his life, growing up. ..but i think she always knew.

it’s funny cause i got my first set of contacts in the philippines. had to fight so hard with my parents to get them for me. i remember walking back in (after i won the fight), and she comes to me and says, you’re beautiful with your glasses, but you’re even more beautiful without because you’re not hiding your eyes anymore.. in tagalog of course. i smiled said thank you and continued to help the family unload the van.

philippines is and will always be a happy place for me. a big part of it was knowing i’d see your face again. leaving was always the hardest thing, never knowing what would happen. but i guess now we know. i’m truly going to miss you. i’m glad i got to spend time with you. i’m glad i got to talk to you. i’m glad we could sit under your tree together.

i will continue to smile at the thought of you. i’ll smile because you are now with the love of your life, resting at peace, together again.

love you apo.